Brittany's Mess

Ok, I couldn't help it, I've got to post about Britney's VMA performance. I didn't watch the VMA's but had to hear the Fox25 News team debate about how "fat" she was. I even wrote a little post about how pissed I was that they wasted my precious morning time with that CRAP-O-LA. Granted, we all like to watch the rich and drunk trip and fall, but not first thing in the morning. I can take care of that myself. Here's what I wrote:

I am SO SICK of having to listen to Fox25 morning news waste time talking about Brittany and other celebrities. They're horrible role models for young people and most of them are talentless. If I want to inform myself of mindless garbage, I'll pick up a magazine in line at the super market.Here's a novel idea: try spending a little more time reporting actual news. How about additional world news? I'm sure the American public would like to be informed of worldly events that are happening every day unbeknownst to them. I know I would. Maybe Doug Meehan can offer alternative routes in his traffic report?Unless Brittany Spears discovers the cure for Cancer please, please, please don’t waste anymore of our time glorify her or picking her appart.

I didn't even watch the VMA's, so because the FOX25 News Team kept going on and on (seriously, they must've rapped about it for like 5 minutes), I decided to sneak a peak at work. I couldn't tear myself away. I was like a moth to a flame because I couldn't see what the HELL they were talking about? FAT? The chick squeezed out two kids! I'd punch your grandmother in the head to look as fat as her. Pah-leeeeze. So she lip synched, but she always has. At the very least, she can follow a choreographed routine well. Her VMA performance was a little Michael Jackson-zombies on qualudes-"Thriller" like. It's almost like she was a high school kid trying to pretend she didn't care. You know how it's cool to act aloof when you're 15? Yeah, that was her. So I popped by one of my favorite catty sites: Perez Hilton. He's even more of a bitch than me. Love it. Then I caught a little crazy action on TMZ.com which is where I saw the "Brit Fan Hops Crazytown Express" video. Is he under his bed-tent with a flashlight/spotlight? Cooooo-coooooo. Queen. Brava!

Frickin' DOG!

Last Thursday night, I had the brilliant idea to bring my dog to a small park to let him expend some pent up energy. So I bought this sixty foot long, hunter-orange leash. I hooked him up, and away we went. He was havin' a grand ole' time, zippin' back and forth like a maniac. Back and forth, back and forth.

"Good, he'll sleep sound tonight," I thought to myself.

Just as I'm laughing out loud (because the dog looks like he needs an exorcism), I happened to look down at my feet and noticed the leash. Meanwhile, he's haulin' arse, full speed, accross the field. For such a big dog, he can really move. When he runs, it looks like he's gliding. I begin to admire his agility and I'm happy he's enjoying himself when I suddenly realize,

"Oh God, the leash is wrapped around me like the string on a kite spool. Quick! Quick, pull it up over your head and turn around the opposite way to unwrap, quick, he's near the end of the.... AAARRRRRHHHHHGGGG!!!!!!"

My 115 pound, runaway train-of-a-dog pulls on the leash so hard that it bends my elbow backwards like a flamingo! I let go of the leash and grab my elbow. I can't bend it. Uhmahgad, uhmahgad, oooooh-mah-gad this hurts so bad. Courage hears me yelping and stops. I must've been making some funny noises, 'cause he did that "BENEFUL?" head tilt and looked at me. He trots over and looks up at me to ask,

"hey, woman. What's with all the hootin' and a hollerin'?"

Then he bends down and starts licking his paw because in his joi de vive, he got lawn burn on one of the little pads of his paws. So now, he's bleeding. I just stood there for a while, squeezing my eyes shut (trying not to cry) and embracing my elbow. He continues to lick. There we are, a couple of gimps in the middle of the park, just standing there, looking at eachother.

I said to him, "let's blow this popcicle stand."
He echos, "Let's make like horse poop and hit the trail."

We limped home. My elbow is still swollen. I can hardly bend it, can't hold a pen and couldn't brush my teeth this morning (had to do it left handed, and those of you out there that claim to be "ambidextrous" try that one on for size).

I thought I'd just shake it off and be fine. Then I realize I'm not sixteen years old anymore. Here it is three days later, and it still hurts like a mo' fo'. I ended up going to my doctor on Friday, just to make sure it wasn't broken or dislocated. The good news is that it's not broken. The other good news is that I'm having a hard time bringing the fork up to my mouth. The bad news is, I've been out of work for two days because all I do is sit and type and talk on the phone, etc. The doc says that I pulled a muscle & tendons and that this type of injury typically takes two to three weeks to heal. Ugh. It's taking four times longer to write this blog because I've adopted sawheeeet single-handed, hunt & pick typing skills. Frickin' dog.

I'm not drinking ANY fuckin' MERLOT!

I was just reading my sister's page, and since I couldn't figure out how to post a pic in someone's comment space, I'll post it here in hopes that she'll see it. Here's a toast, to "Sideshow Bob a.k.a. K-Dog, the wine-o."

Nerd Alert!

I was recently contacted by an old high school classmate who informed me that she's attempting to get everyone together for a 15 year class reunion. We've been going back and forth with "where are they now" stories. I couldn't help it, I had to tell her the story of this kid, we'll call "J". You'll see why I won't name him.

It was graduation ceremony practice and we were all gathered on the football field. We were split up into 2 columns and were instructed to walk onto the field side by side. "Now boys and girls, please remember who you're standing next to, this is very important." To this day, I still remember who I was standing next to. It was "J".

So, there we are, lined up in 2 single-file lines. I look over to make a mental note of who's next to me, when "J" gazes into my eyes through his grease-smeared, dandruff-dusted coke bottle plastic framed glasses and said the following (and I quote with my best Napoleon Dynamite voice):

"Joyce, I've always loved you. You were always so nice to me. Just thought I'd tell you that today."

I've always felt bad for this kid. Everyone was always so mean to him. He was a smart kid, but was lazy, much like myself. He was skinny, had horrible puffy hair, bad dandruff, wore busted up glasses, his mother was a weirdo lunch lady, his teeth were discolored and snaggled, but I've always stood up for the little guy. I've always believed that you should treat everyone with decency and respect, unless it's unreciprocated. Everyone always dismissed him, ignored what he said & teased him. I had actual conversations with him.

Since high school, my sister and I had heard stories of, "this person did this, this person married so & so," etc. No one had heard anything about this guy. My sister is convinced that he's gonna end up a Bill Gates. Wouldn't that be something. I told my friend Lisa the story, and she laughed hysterically. Lisa says if he isn't a Bill Gates, he's gonna come back to the reunion with a list. I probably won't be on the list because he'd always loved me. So, that's when we started talking about this funny skit that Dane Cook did. We almost pissed ourselves. Leave me a comment & let me know what you think. #1) He's wealthier than Bill Gates #2) He's coming back with a list #3) He's filthy rich but I'm on the list regardless