I saw a guy on a Harley decked out in a full red velvet Santa suit last year and regretted not being able to grab a picture of him. This year, my sister and her boyfriend came over to my parents' house. I guess they're taking turns destroying each other's parents' bathrooms. I've already said too much. A word of advice to Angela and Jeff; stick to a strict diet of tea and dry toast for 2 days prior to any important event. So, while I was shopping with my mother last week, we picked up one of those frozen bucket at-home kits for a pomegranate drink we mixed with Boru vodka. My mother had a little too much to drink last night. Apparently I did too, because my sister said I was snoring horribly. My mother was fighting to listen to Iron Butterfly's In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida durring dinner. My father insisted on listening to the creeping harping of Andreas Vollenweider. Sounded like Cirque Du Soleil to me, but more elevator muzak-ish. I think my family scared the shit out of Jeff. Poor kid. Dave rode his Harley all the way down to my parents' house today to see me. It was like 46 degrees out, which isn't that bad, but then again, isn't that fun (think snotsicles). That maniac rides until it snows, then when it snows, he rides when the pavement is dry. That's a little too risky for me 'cause there's always too much sand on the street. Wipeout city. Dave should know better, he damned near lost his leg a few years ago while chasing his buddy on a Norton Commando around a rotary and hitting a patch of sand. Young, dumb and full of...hutzpa. Mazel tov.

This is all I plan on doing when I get home today. My brain is friend from work. I spent the majority of my day arguing with stupid people on the phone. They suck the life force from me. Buncha leeches. I got quite a giggle when I sent this little clip to various friends. I had seen it a while ago, but I'm pretty sure none of them have seen it. I sent it to one of my old co-workers, who opened the link after I told him not to do it at work. Ding dong. For those of you who haven't seen it, make sure you're in a proper atmosphere to view it, because it's Jingle Bells played backwards, revealing something quite shocking. The sound quality isn't that good, so you've really gotta crank it up. My old co-worker told me that he had his head bent down on his desk to listen carefully. He later sent me an e-mail full of exclamation marks. I giggled to myself like a school girl. Am I evil? Like the fru-its of the de-vil. EEeeeeviiil.

Pick one. I went out to dinner with my sister and her funny Mexican boyfriend who, I've discovered, was quite a clever child. It turns out he had the plotting ability of a skilled kidnapper at a very early age. Jeff, you sly fox, you! Now anytime I see you, I'm gonna hear, "hhheeeeearrrrrs Johnny!" I wonder if you can break your mother out of a trapped room as well as you can trap her in one? Anyhoo, I revealed a story about this kid I worked with, snotting all over his upper lip. It was all due to these stupid rubber finger/condom page-turner things. It's got to be the one and only time I've seen a finger produce snoogies from so far away. It gives new meaning to the term, "point and shoot." The force is strong with me.

Who knew that pooping your brains out, could make you so pooped. I went home sick from work the other day with some kind of stomach bug, not to be confused with my sister's attack of the killer dysentery tomato story. I look and feel like I've had a round of chemo. A friend of mine is home on leave from the Army and we're suppossed to hang out. I look like death warmed over. OK, maybe I wasn't as sick as this fugly dog, but I was miserable.

WTF? This 7'9" man sticking his fingers down the throats of a pair of dolphins? With all of the medical and scientific technology available today, this was China's resolution to removing plastic from their stomachs? China may have the world's tallest man and wonderful take-out, but they ain't got a wicked lotta smahhhts.

I went Christmas shopping AGAIN last night and I'm still not finished. I had my Sephora cherry popped. God, I love that store. I could've spent forever and a day in there had it not been for the sales girls chasing me down every isle. I saw one woman getting a "makeover" done at one of the corner booths. I could tell by the hungry look in the sales girl's eye, that she wanted me. Not because she looked like a bull dyke, but because I was a blank canvas just begging for color. So, I ran outa there screaming. Next time, I'll have to bring reinforcements. Who knows, maybe I'll request the Kabuki look. I like the Dee Snider. "We're not gonna take it, NO we ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it, anymoooooooorrrrrrreeeeee!"

Have I ever told you how much I hate Christmas shopping? I took my mother out shopping last night. It actually wasn't that bad. Maybe because it isn't Christmas Eve. There's something about the waves of people that actually make me seasick. We whitnessed a couple of misbehaved children that almost made me wanna squeeze out a couple....NOT! The worst thing about Christmas is having to listen to Christmas carols shortly after Halloween. I can't take it anymore. This 12 drinks of Christmas has got to be the worst holiday song EVA! My Wiccan roommate who was raised Greek Orthodox has our newly heated appartment decked to the gills! It's kind of funny, our Christmas tree is lit up....like a Christmas tree. I woke up this morning in a slight sweat. I've become so accustomed to the appartment at 50 degrees that I'm a bit uncomfortable when it's 68 degrees. I had to drop the thermostat down to 60. My roommate, as thin as she is, didn't even complain. She said the same thing about the heat. I think it's so funny when the skinny chicks at work bring in space heaters and leave them cranked under their desks. I tell them to gain 50 pounds and they'll never be cold again. As God is my whitness, I'll never go cold again (a-la Scarlett O'Hara). This was a cute little clip I came across, hey, at least it isn't a re-run of Burl Ives singing Holly Jolly Christmas as Frosty in one of those cheesey 1960's animes. This clip is dedicated to my Redneck friend from Okeechobee Florida. He looks like a thin version of Larry the Cable Guy but dresses and sounds just like him. Yee-haw!

Last night had to be the coldest night in my house thusfar, sans heat. I think part of it was due to the wind. I think the other part is due to the lack of FRIGGIN' HEAT! Yeah that's right, I wore my snowsuit to bed last night, and if I had a pair of moon boots and earmuffs, I'da worn those suckers too. My roommate applied for fuel assistance and they've been giving her the run around. She's finally been appoved, so hopefully relief is in sight. The gas dude is supposed to be coming by this morning to finally turn our sh*t back on. We'll see. I hope my roommate doesn't sleep through the gas man knocking on the door. I also hope my roommate pays the damned bill infull and quits screwing around. I can't take another microwave dinner or frozen night with dangerous energy sucking space heaters (which have been known to kill many an old lady with a dozen cats and people in trailer homes). Funny, being forced to use the microwave and toaster oven have caused me to become pretty inventive. Martha Stewart should do a special on it. You'd be surprised by the cuisine you can make a la microwave. I've dubbed Dave, the "Nuclear Chef!" because he makes everything in the microwave. I never thought I'd miss cooking, but I do. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Betty Crocker, but there's something comforting about smelling bread or cookies baking in the oven.....not to be confused with having a bun in the oven, or bundt for that matter.